I’m fairly new to the whole waiting on game, having worked in one restaurant since July. And it’s fair to say that I love the job, I’m one of those ‘people persons’ I work best interacting with folk. That said, this job has taught me that there is nothing worse than a customer with too much money, too little sense, too many kids or one that is just too drunk.

One of the first times I was working a Saturday day-time on my own, I had a French couple come in, with their small army of young children, immediately after coming through the door the wife turned to me and (imagine Madame Maxime talking in a rush) “I want two cokes, a lemonade and an orange juice, at room temperature”, upon delivering aforementioned room temperature beverages, I was instructed that they were in fact, too cold. I didn’t spit in the drinks, but I did put holes in the kids straws. The feckers.
Anybody working in a eatery will immediately know and understand the following ‘type’ of customer: an older, overweight man, with his very plastic ‘surgeried’ wife demanding a fresh bottle of wine because it tastes “off and tannic” despite having just been opened, the parents bringing ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE WORLD, and letting them run riot, watching with a beautific smile as little Hector and Hyacinth tear apart menus and smear the walls with tiny margarita hands.
One of my personal ‘favourite’ examples of pure snobbery was a table of a dozen or more, that had a bill amounting to £250 or more – very pointedly leaving a £1 tip.

Now, I’m a Scouser, as a rule we tip generously. At least 10%, to taxi drivers, window cleaners, tavern wenches & waiters, the lot.

On the flipside to customers you want to stab to death, I’ve met some fantastic people. One family that returns time and time again play Harry Potter hangman – I join in, of course (I’m part of that fandom), and recently came in & told me that they were going to Harry Potter world in Orlando (jealous jaguar) and promised me a chocolate frog. Customers like that make all the under-tipping, all the aggressive customers, the snobbery and general cuntery worth it.

Any fellow waiter/’resses got any such tales?