Men have it tough: you’ve been sold a romantic ideal by Hollywood that no woman actually wants. In fact, most of these romantic moments would see you kicked in the knackers or outed as a freak…
Take ‘that’ speech from When Harry Met Sally: who wants their faults listed? Real-life romance can only exist when you close your eyes to such things tighter than David Blunkett on a rollercoaster.
IRL Edward would have been kneed in the balls and slapped with a restraining order halfway through telling Bella that he sneaks into her room at night to watch her sleep.
And girl-pant-wetter The Notebook: he wrote to her EVERY DAY for a year. About what?! “Dear xxx. Woke up. Ate cereal. It was raining so I stayed in. Did you get my other 364 letters?” Besides, the post doesn’t come on Sundays. LIAR.
So here’s a list of the 9 most ‘romantic’ movie moments that your average woman would rather gouge her eye out with a spoon than go through.
1. The airport run scene – Good Luck Chuck, Love Actually, Like Crazy
The polystyrene packing chip of chick flicks. You know the drill: boy realises he is about to lose the girl, so a mad dash through airport security ensues.
This scene could only have been written by someone who has never suffered the indignity of trying to board a plane. You can’t even take liquids on-board- when quite frankly if you can hijack a plane with a bottle of Evian you probably deserve it.
Try running through an airport; I dare you.
The shower of bullets from airport security would ensure a Valentine’s bloodier than Al Capone’s attempt.
2. Sketching your girlfriend naked – Titanic
Unless you’re Tony Hart, don’t try this one at home. Rather than leading to steamy sex in a 1912 Renault, your Napolean Dynamite-esque attempts will have her crying in the bathroom.
Here’s the scene with your artistic ability edited in
3. Public displays of affection through the medium of song – The Wedding Singer, 10 Things I Hate About You
This is England: you risk a public lynching if you have your iPod one decibel too loud on the train.
Unless you’re Amish there are thousands of ways of getting your point across without resorting to a wandering minstrel and being slapped with an ASBO to boot. Just do what the rest of us do – find deep meaning in Adele’s Someone Like You as you cry/masturbate to her Tenerife 2011 album on Facebook.
4. Making a grand gesture of love to an unavailable woman – Love Actually, While You Were Sleeping
Only a headcase would get a kick out of being cracked on to by their boyfriend’s best mate/brother.
Case point: The ‘to me you are perfect’ scene in Love Actually
Mark is in love with his best mate’s wife. She discovers this when she realises her wedding video is a terrifying montage of her simpering and gurning (because if American Beauty taught us anything, it’s that secretly filming someone is romantic and sexy).
Mark is a sociopath. Not only is putting the moves on your best friend’s wife is an incredible dickish thing to do, ‘without hope or agenda’? Bollocks. No man would go to WHSmith in the run-up to Christmas, and invest in Pritt Stick, marker pens and A3 sheets of card if he didn’t think he was going to get laid at the end of it. Just because he has written it in sharpie rather than blood doesn’t make it any cuter.
5. Concealing your true identity to win someone over – You’ve Got Mail, Never Been Kissed, While You Were Sleeping, She’s The Man
There’s nothing sexy about pretending to be an entirely different person to get someone into bed: it’s called rape by deception, and it carries quite a lengthily jail term.
Dating someone whose lied to you about every detail of their life would take a Holocaust-denying level of blind-eye turning. They’ve caused you to question your whole belief system and/or sexuality and indulge in some pretty morally dubious behaviour. Take Never Been Kissed: Josie pretends to be a teenager and starts flirting with her English teacher. If this plot sounds familiar it’s because it’s pretty much the premise for To Catch A Predator.
In You’ve Got Mail Joe fails to tell his online love interest Kathleen that he’s actually the dastardly bookshop owner she hates. This was the 90’s, so Meg got lucky. If this happened now, your internet fraud wouldn’t be Tom Hanks, it would be a 60-year-old janitor called Herman. LOL.
6. Anything that happens in the rain – The Notebook, Bridget Jones, Four Weddings and a Funeral
The British Rain Council must have a good PR – there is nothing inherently romantic about the rain. It’s cold, it’s wet and it fucks your hair.
7. Letting a woman know you’ve been stalking her – Hitch, American Beauty
If one thing gets women going, it’s knowing that you’ve been monitoring her every move.
In American Beauty s̶t̶r̶a̶n̶g̶l̶e̶r̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶w̶a̶i̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ social misfit Ricky films Jane without her knowledge. But it’s ok, because he doesn’t just film her getting changed like a regular pervert, he films her doing mundane stuff too, so his love is pure.
Lady-slayer Hitch advocates doing such a thorough background check to prepare for a first date, that you find out their grandfather’s profession. As if real-life first dates aren’t already a social minefield of not revealing information you could only know through a quick Google, a Facebook browse and sitting in a tree outside their bedroom window for six hours.
8. Physically injuring a love rival – Bridget Jones’ Diary, The Wedding Crashers
This isn’t the Serengeti – you don’t win mating rights by virtue of being able to punch someone in the face.
9. Not taking no for an answer – The Notebook, Twilight
“I can’t understand what happened – sure, at first she hated me, so I kept trying to win her over with my zany schemes… I even broke into her house and left gifts. Then I forcibly kissed her… And, wait… what are those flashing blue lights and pretty sounds?”
And if all else fails, hijack her date and threaten to kill yourself:
There’s a reason why these movies never have sequels.