I went to a university in Wales. And in Wales, drinking is not so much social lubrication as an all-encompassing philosophy of life and nowhere is this more apparent than my university halls.

As I progressed through those fuzzy years, apparently studying philosophy, my cohorts and I developed a range of “cocktails” (and the inverted commas are entirely appropriate here – trust me) that were born out of an approach to alcohol similar to that of a evil scientist surrounded by potions and bubbling beakers.

So here are three of the gnarliest concoctions we created, presented here for entertainment purposes only, and I highly recommend you never ever actually drink any of them. Bottoms up indeed.

The Disintegrating Mule

A variation of the famous “Moscow Mule” cocktail, this one is quite tasty but you do have to live-filter the drink using your own teeth.


  • Add two fingers of Morgan’s Spiced Rum
  • A small amount of grated raw ginger root
  • Dash of Lime Cordial
  • Top up with tap water (or soda if the coppers in your glass jar can stretch that far)
Turbo Spunk

This was invented by my mad housemate. I never drank this one. Everyone has a line and this drink was mine. It is a variation of the infamous mascara-smudger, “turbo shandy”. I would like to state for the record that the person who invented this is now a responsible and productive member of society.


  • Half a pint of strong larger
  • A bottle of Smirnoff Ice
  • Add one Corkey’s Chocolate Shot (which floats grossly on the top of the concoction, like, you’ve guessed it, spunk. Nice)
The House One Headsmash

The name says it all really doesn’t it? It contains all the information you need when considering a cocktail – where it was invented (House One) and what it will do to your head when consumed (smash it)

Method (don’t say I didn’t warn you):

  • Take a pint glass and pour 2-4 fingers of any available white spirit (vodka, tequila, white rum etc.)
  • Add beer and cider
  • And a dash of blackcurrant squash