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So you’re lying on the floor in the kitchen at 2am. You have lectures in seven hours. The world is spinning. And for some reason there is a traffic cone on your head. I’m sure you thought you were only going for a quiet pint at the SU, but then somebody got another round. And a quiet pint turned into a slightly louder five pints… or was it six? And then somebody suggested a shot of tequila. And then the next thing you know you’re singing along to Oasis, your wallet is significantly lighter and it’s time to stagger home.

At some point in your university career this situation will happen. And there is only one thing that can save you now, drunk food. Kebabs, burgers, whatever. Something glorious and greasy that no sober person would willingly ingest.

However, what happens when you forgot to get a takeaway on the way home? Or it’s late enough that every where’s shut? Or it’s a Monday night, and there’s no way you’re buying a Dominos when it isn’t Tuesday?

Well then my friend, you have to risk the dangers of cooking for yourself.

Something that’s already a difficult enough proposition when sober. The key characteristics of good cooking are timing and skill, as a drunk chef, you will have neither of these. However, with a little luck you might be able to get something on your stomach and lower tomorrow’s hangover from DEFCON 1 to merely wishing you were dead. So what do you make?

Do you go for whatever’s easiest? The lazy and probably safe option? This can range from the quite lazy toast, to the incredibly lazy cereal. Eaten without a bowl. From the packet. With your hands.

Then there’s the slightly more challenging stuff. This can be that greatest of early hours gourmet cooking – pasta, preferably smothered in too much cheese. Actually scratch that, there’s no such thing as too much cheese. Or maybe you planned ahead, and there’s a pizza in the fridge. You may be thinking none of this is particularly challenging stuff. However the skill isn’t in the actual cooking, it’s in not forgetting about the food and burning down your house.

Finally, you may be one of the mavericks who actually tries to cook. This is nearly always a mistake. Ingredients are haphazardly thrown together, with little attention paid to anything as trivial as an expiry date. And even your drunken taste buds can tell how bad the abomination you’ve created is. But, every now and then you strike onto something really magical.

This writer once, in a fit of inspiration influenced by too much Jack Daniels once conjured together one of these cooking wonders.

The recipe is laid down below for you.

Ingredients

1 tin of spaghetti

2 slices bread

Butter

Lots of cheese

 

Preparation Method

  1. Toast your bread and butter.
  2. Begin to heat spaghetti in pan.
  3. Cover toast in cheese and place under grill until melted.
  4. Cover one slice of toast in the spaghetti and top with second slice.
  5. Don’t worry about mess.
  6. Consume.