With alcohol, comes unexpected wisdom. You can find a surprising amount of knowledge in the corners of your mind which you never knew you had. You become absolved from the monotonous coma of mediocre life and join the intellectual and charismatic heavy weights of history. You discover a side of you that not even in your most profound self-reflective moments (usually also when drunk) you thought existed.

That’s because it doesn’t exist. The reality is horrifically sobering, as everyone knows all too well. You become a sweaty, blood shot, sex starved, famine ridden, arse-breathed bundle of universally scorned, dog shite.

But, some people argue that the ramblings of a drunkard are a twisted sort of logic; a form of genius in it’s own right. The connections made and spat out by the throbbing, agonized brain are on a different spectrum from conscious thinking. It’s like a permanent witching hour of revelations for the inebriate. They just can’t seem to understand why they never realized they had, or produced, this level of complex thought process before. They become the happiest person on the planet when they reach this promise land of drunken self-assurance.

And that’s where the mortals come in. Usually working a late shift at the grimy local chip shop, or skating on vodka and ice cubes in the towns only and suspiciously frantic karaoke bar. The mortals sit and take in this magical genius. It’s a rare and wonderful thing, finding a drunkard in that undeniable state of heightened mind-fuck. And, they always want to share their gift to your ever so ignorant and naive ears.

“We always want what we can’t have. But we don’t know what we’ve got til it’s gone. Then we obsess to claim back what we’ve lost, only to forget the things we already have. Thus, in gaining back what we’ve lost, we inconveniently lose what we already had, which we didn’t want in the first place, but eventually did and now don’t have at all because we forgot about. And, in losing that we immediately want it back. It’s vicious, Sam, just plain vicious. Vindictive. Cynical. Sadistic. Fucking out right anti-social. It’s mind boggling, Sam.Why can we not have both? Isn’t it fairly logical enough to have the best of both worlds? Why is it so difficult for us to find that sense of contentment? Don’t you agree, Sam? Are we humans that incapable of being? It’s as if we’re human wantings or human needings? Don’t you agree?”

“That lad just walked off with your drink, but you still have to pay.”

“Ah. Keep the change, my man. I’ll go grab my tipple and we’ll resume this debate, agreed?”


I’d like to take a minute to mention that our debate never continued after modern day Socrates left the bar. Unfortunately, he projectile vomited in the smoking area and passed out in the snug headlock of the rough but fair bouncer, Rick.

Even the greatest of minds have a fatal flaw. And it seems like a lot of us share the same one.