It started with after work drinks which inevitably turned into a night out which inevitably led me to my middle-class friend’s house where, of course, he had a fridge full of hummus.

‘Sure’ I thought, ‘one bite won’t do any harm’- one bite turned into a tub. Soon I was chiselling it out with a spoon.

I assumed that it was a one time thing, that I was drunk and my dark, hummusy centre had spilled out, I could keep it under control. How wrong I was.


Soon I was on one tub a day, so many bags of pitter bread bought on such low wages. Soon, at parties I would bring the hummus and push it on fellow drunks, watch them lose their hummus virginity, watch the disease spread.


Recently, due to my deviant hummusy lifestyle, I ended up in a house surrounded by people taking class A drugs. Now, I’m not really into that kind of stuff so I sat there feeling empty inside. I realised that something was missing; a giant tub of hummus. As they snorted away and chatted shit all night and morning, I just shovelled so much hummus into my mouth, once I ran out of pitter bread, I started taking it with chips, crisps- anything I could find. I reached euphoria that night.


This is all a true story dear reader, I am beyond the point of return, too late for saviour, you however, you can just probably not eat hummus. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.