It has been quite a heart breaking week (and I am not talking about the Scottish remaining in the UK!), since my most recent flame has now been distinguished, thus leaving me quite cold, isolated and in the need for Vodka. Was it love? I highly doubt that. Was it intoxication? That would explain a lot! Would I do it all again – this instant!
Now relationships do seem like a complete drag, and they are certainly hard work. Firstly, you need to devote your time to this individual, and ideally your exclusivity to the person you are with. I know exclusivity is quite a strange phrase in modern times, so I suggest you look it up in a dictionary. And no – ‘we were on a break’ just makes you sound like a unconvincing and not very funny version of Ross from friends. But relationships are also hard because they play with your emotions like a puppet master; one moment your strings are pulled and the intense warmth and pleasure you feel from your ‘eternal and never ending connection’ with your companion feels better than the best ecstasy pill on the market. Then on the other end of the spectrum, there’s that hideous little creature called ‘paranoia’, which eats at you at every chance it can get.
As I am as close to perfection as anyone can ever get, I am obviously immune to these emotions. DENIAL! Another flawed reaction which can manifest after being in a relationship of any sort. You deny the fact the person has inherent flaws because you are so intoxicated with them; you deny the truth that you get jealous when a another man or woman is talking to your partner at a bar; you deny the fact that you are still the same person prior to meeting this individual (regardless of the fact that you still act like a adolescent baboon when your around the opposite sex by waving your unimpressive penis to get female attention) – you know who you are.
But my Russian love did change me – on a temporary basis at the very least. For a few months, I forgot about all my insecurities, my flaws, and about the tormented world around me. Suddenly, this slim dancer, with her teasing heels, big dark eyes, and demanding voice had me wrapped around her vodka soaked fingers. And there was no feeling like it – being completely wasted on infatuation is like no drug one can imagine. The pure chemistry between two people is more than electric – it controls you, pushes you, and absolutely consumes everything you hold dear, leaving this person in all their glory at the forefront of your mind.
Is this a healthy state of mind? Well, I think of it as Russian Roulette – and yes, I’m talking about you my beautiful Russian Roulette. As with all infatuation, it has mass excitement and danger. The excitement brings you down to a almost childlike state of mind. Every text you receive from them pumps your whole body with beautiful dopamine – you feel the warmth rushing through your arms and legs, and its amazing. On the other side of the spectrum, the dread you feel when you text the person and they have not responded: why? Have I upset them? Are they not interested? And then ‘Beep Beep’: that rush of relief when you finally receive that much anticipated text – it is like Christmas has come early.
Though, the reason these contrasting feelings of joy and horror occur is because we are very rarely ever on the same level, and one of us will sooner or later start to get bored of these intrinsically warm feelings, since one of us always tends to have quite low attention spans when it comes to maintaining their interest in the other person. This explains one reason for why we feel the combination of good and bad in relationships, and this is why relationships are like playing Russian Roulette: we never know when we may pull the trigger which causes the bang in our perfect little world.
This could take the form of your partner telling you they have found someone else. Or that ‘this simply is not working’. Maybe its because one prioritises a career over their relationship. One may want children when their young. Or the other may simply not want to commit because of their love for their hedonistic lifestyle.
People quite naturally have different needs, desires, hopes, ambitions and motives. It is very rare to find the person who shares all of the same ideals as you when it comes to what you want in life. But this is it – we must keep experimenting, and never try to let negative encounters and heartbreak prevent us from having these great experiences with people.
Since my main heartbreak, I have struggled to commit or even consider having a proper relationship due to the way things ended up. This was a mistake, because for a long time I denied myself the experiences which make me feel alive. Yes, relationships are fucking hurtful, which cause despair, desperation and can make some people literally suicidal. But they also form lifelong experiences which provide you with value, which enrich your life in ways that are unthinkable.
Playing a bit of Russian Roulette has opened my eyes to the possibilities of intimacy; not just in relationships, but also in friendships, hedonism, culture, ethics, sex, politics, morals, travel, intoxicating substances and life. These are things I am neither proud or ashamed of, because sharing intimate moments with people does not just give romantic and sexual value – it allows you to see the inside of a persons soul, and allows you to brush it with your own. So play Russian Roulette, because with any luck, you will find the person where the bang never happens.
So I bid you farewell my Russian Roulette. You did not come from Russia with Love, but you reignited the beauty of risk.