The festive season is almost over but there is still time to get in a few Christmas cracker jokes at awkward family gatherings. Here are some of the best (worst)…


Q. What sneaks around the kitchen at Christmas?

A. A mince spy.


Q. What is the correct term for Santa’s elves?

A. Subordinate clauses.


Q. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

A. Stick with me and we’ll go places.


Q. What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?

A. He got 25 days.


Q. What’s the best Christmas present in the world?

A. A broken drum – you can’t beat it.


Q. How did Scrooge win the football match?

A. The ghost of Christmas passed.


Q. Why did Santa’s helper see a psychiatrist?

A. He had low “elf” esteem.


Q. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

A. Because their days are numbered.


Q. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

A. Because they were two deer.


Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

A. Deep pan, crisp and even.


Q. What does the Queen call her Christmas broadcast?

A. The One Show.


Q. What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

A. He pulled a cracker.


Q. How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

A. They had a weigh in a manger.


Q. What did one snowman say to the other?

A. Can you smell carrots?


Q. What do you call a group of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


We’re sorry.