Ever since we, Humankind first looked up at the stars and gazed out into the vast, unfathomable void that is the universe, from Pythagoras, to Catatonia, the same question has burned away into our conscious and reason. ‘Is there anybody out there?’ Whether it’s little green men in flying saucers, Aliens using your microwave as a portal, or generic mutant blobs of mind controlling mass, even in this day of forethought and post-Enlightenment there are still plenty out there that claim to have seen or been in contact with ETs. And this phenomenon is nothing new.

Walk like an Egyptian

In the shadows of the newly built Pyramids as far back as the year 22 in the 3rd month of winter and the 6th hour of the day (they were very thorough with their scribes were the Egyptians). Hundreds of people took to their belly’s in awe of hundreds of dazzling fireballs in the sky, (which sounds suspiciously like a meteor shower), unperturbed the Pharaoh Thutmose III who, confusingly, reigned from 1504-1450BC calmed everyone down by burning a load of incense and claiming them to be their new gods. Quick thinking from old King Thut, though I doubt it if we ever do come under invasion from Aliens, the leaders of our ‘free world’ will be firing lavender at them.

Starry Nights

There is a slightly more concrete account of something other than flashing fire-like orbs however. Years later, evidence was uncovered from Rome 393AD, a time when joint Emperor Theodosius was at war with the scots. Some fella called Lycosthenes unearthed diaries of how they’d seen violent rotating lights buzzing around a big glowing beehive like shape. On coming down to the surface from the heavens the craft had a little scout around, witnessed by thousands of legions of men and was off again, (Maybe it was Bill & Ted!.) This is the most common version/description given to this day by people who have claimed to have spotted ‘UFOs’, long before our governments were dreaming up supersonic flying vessels. The first dedicated full scale scientific investigation occurred in Japan where the phrase ‘Flying Saucers’ was coined after numerous sightings of unusual shining objects and lights looping around in the night sky for hours at a time. That was in 1235, and they came to the very scientific conclusion that it was just the wind making the stars sway. So maybe Vincent Van Goth wasnt mad after all.

Something Fishy: They Come In Peas?

With barnstorming headlines such as ’Hide and seek champ found dead in cupboard’ and ‘Donkey robs bank’ it’s no surprise that not many of us would look to the ‘Daily Sport’ for clues toward universal truth, but one such story is surely one of the greatest tales of Alien abduction in living memory.

A lady was awoken in the middle of the night by blinding light coming from the garden, she looked out the window to see her son walking toward a spacecraft that had obviously got lost in Hull, maybe en route to visit Elvis’s statue on Mars. As she ran out to approach her son, she was paralyzed by some kinetic force, (cue Space odyssey them tune) full of fear she lost sight of him amidst flashing lights and rising steam coming from the Alien craft (you have to wonder just how advanced they are if they’re flying around in giant kettles) and as she came back to her senses (again debatable) and the smoke dispersed, the aircraft had vanished! On walking to the spot where she saw her son, and in the exact place where he had stood, was a frozen fish-finger…

After futile many hours trying to trace this family and indeed to find out any more details whatsoever, i.e how the mother had coped without being able to defrost the freezer for 15 years, as far as Alien Encounters go, I’m not convinced. Neither it seems was the editor of the paper, who sent the reporter to Asda enroute to the interview to buy some Fish-fingers to see if she could identify her son in a ‘Captain Birds-eye style line-up’. Conspiracists may point to this general lack of information available and say it’s all been covered up, but maybe, just maybe, she was a raving barmcake.

Camera Shy

On another misty morning in Yorkshire 1987, policeman Philip Spencer saw some mysterious lights up on the moors near his home, so after rushing to get his camera the brave fool went out to investigate. Using a compass to navigate through the dense fog he noticed a strange small creature, he claimed as he got closer the creature seemed to be waving him away. It’s unknown if the creature was trying to warn the officer or if the little green fella had just been caught short whilst exploring the moors, it can’t just be us humans that appreciate a bit of privacy when dropping the kids off so to have some loon running out the fog with a camera pointed at you doesn’t bare thinking about! Needless to say, when PC Spencer took the photo ET done a runner and despite Spencer giving chase it got away, he was on his way back to the village to get his film developed, when he was amazed (even after allegedly seeing an Alien in the flesh and chasing it around the moors) to see a UFO take off in the distance and disappear into the night. It was only then that he noticed an hour of time had elapsed/gone missing in the moments since he had started his journey back and his compass was pointing south instead of north.

Smurfs go Jungle

Over the last 50 years there have been several reports of tiny human like aliens in the Malaysian rainforests. One eyewitness account happened in August 1970, when onlookers saw 6 kids chase a small disc like UFO into a clearing of a heavily forested area. (Am I the only one thinking frisby?) They then go on to say that they saw the UFO land and 6 tiny humanoids about 3 inches tall, dressed all in blue come out in single file, there’s no mention of one being a lot older with a beard but there did appear to be a leader dressed in yellow, with a spiked helmet. The tiny aliens seemed oblivious to the onlookers and continued with their ‘mission’ which seemed to have something to do with attaching an aerial like device to a tree, before one of the kids, K. Wigsnarene, attempted an abduction of his own and made for the troup – only to be fended off with ‘little ray guns’. The aliens then turned on him and his friends and fired at them all, chasing them away from the site. You’ll be glad to know none of the boys garnered significant wounds, though most might have had a bit of a headache the next morning after eating them strange mushrooms they found in the forest.

There are hundreds of stories like these, countless tales of abductions and probings, sightings and time-lapses, many victims have gone through regressive hypnotherapy to uncover the truth, and it is out there, but whether it’s tiny blue men turning people into frozen ready meals, or lizard-like figures trying to find a bit of peace and quiet in a bush whilst they flick through the latest edition of Nuts, whoever and whatever they are, so far, they’ve come in Peace.