1. Enhance your pictures to the point that you are unrecognizable.
Facebook was basically created so people can share information about themselves so it makes sense that we’re always on the hunt for THE definitive self-portrait – the one that finally shows everyone just how seriously good-looking we are. But if the pictures you edit and upload could not be matched to you in a police lineup, you are over-thinking this. It’s one thing to remove red-eye and improve the lighting just a little. It’s another to turn your skin Day-Glo orange and your teeth phosphorescent. If you looked like that in real life, people would scream. Also, what if the text clichés floating above your head in profile pictures floated about your head IN REAL LIFE? Haha. Actually Social Student would love that.
2. Constantly check in using Foursquare
Foursquare posts are pointless. I refuse to have this argument again; it’s ruining my life. I understand that the app itself has “perks,” like hearing about deals and becoming an bloody Mayor of an establishment. Whatever! But posting your restaurant/hotel whereabouts so that your sort-of-friends can see them is just WEIRD.I have acquaintances on Facebook who use Foursquare to check into their OWN HOMES. To far!
3. Post image memes you’ve seen on your Newsfeed three times already
Sometimes memes are funny, but memes also have incredibly short lives – by the time you’ve seen the “What _____ Thinks I Do” image that applies to your area of study on a friend’s wall, the meme has lost half of its potency. It has also been converted to 16 other areas of study, each less funny than the first. And by the time you decide to re-post that meme onto your own wall, the power of the joke is down another 50%, and everyone hates you.
4. Invite ALL your friends to play games with you.
If you do not hang out with someone in real life, or if you haven’t talked online with her/him about your shared obsession with various Facebook games, there is just no legitimate reason for you to believe that they would want to play some weird Facebook game with you. What a weirdly specific assumption for you to make. This is one of our most hated things!
5. Answer “secret questions” about your acquaintances, and post about it on their walls.
This covers most of the things here, but why don’t you get embarrassed? Most people are embarrassed ALL THE TIME. They feel self-conscious “liking” a good-news status of someone they don’t know that well, because what if they think you are WEIRD? But here you are, taking a bold stance as to which feature on the face of someone you interned with three years ago you find most appealing. It’s a lose/lose scenario. That person is not going to join your app to find out, because you are a lunatic in his eyes now, but not knowing the truth will also crush him from the inside. Is it his nose? His jaw? His nights are spent awake, touching his face. Wondering.
6. Friend request people who have previously defriended you.
We actually look at “The unfriendly unfriending in the Facebook world” here so what could be worse than trying to add them again! Look, if you are pretty certain that you used to be Facebook friends with someone, and you go to check on his/her profile only to find that you are no longer friends with that person, you have been defriended. I’m sorry. It happens to all of us. But now is the time to accept your loss and move on. There is no “bargaining” stage allowed in the Facebook Defriending Grief Cycle. There is only 1) Confusion, 2) Mild Outrage, 3) Self-Aggrandizement (“it’s HER LOSS!”), and 4) Acceptance. It’s done. Don’t beg to be let back in
7. Repeatedly changing your relationship status back and forth between “It’s Complicated” and “Single” and “In a Relationship,” while clearing referring to the same person.
You know who you are, so please stop it! STOP IT NOW!
8. Comment on other people’s newly “Single” relationship updates.
Having to change your relationship status to “Single” (or nothing at all) after breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend has to be among the top ten most dreaded consequences of a break-up. It lets more people know about your break-up than you would probably like. It also gives socially clueless weirdos a place to publicly comment “omg what happened,” providing the newly single person with a uniquely unpleasant blend of irritation and humiliation. Well-meaning weirdos of the world: if you have genuine empathy to share with your friend, for god’s sake, do it privately. Otherwise, you just come off like an insensitive gossip hound.
9. Create an account for your newborn infant and write a full profile and status updates for it.
Everyone has every right to post pictures of whatever they want on Facebook, whenever they want, so long as it’s legal. BUT. The enthusiasm most people can summon for your baby has a direct inverse relationship to the number of pictures you post of it on a daily basis. Babies just don’t do that much, you know? There is just not enough activity going on there to merit a day-to-day progress update. A flurry of pictures at the beginning: normal. After that, there should maybe be a once-a-week new picture limit. Unless it starts doing something really amazing, like glowing in the dark.
10. Merge your account with the account of your new spouse.
This is one of those things which you do not realise when you are doing it. Getting to the point where there walls walls looks exactly the same. Same pictures, same status updates ect. It was cute for the first week, but now it is just getting boring. Keep your soppy relationship to yourself!
11. Tag all your friends in everything you ever do.
If you are your group’s designated photo-taker, it’s also your job to tag. Mostly we thank you for that, but also? Don’t go crazy! You know by now that like six of your friends will untag that mess as soon as you put it up, so don’t bother!
If there is anything else you can think of, let us know in the comments below.